My Emoji Wishlist

Desperately Seeking An Emoji Illustrator

For the last two years, I've kept a note with all of the emojis I wish I could find on my keyboard. I think it's bold that there was an Emoji Movie before the entire panoply of emojis was finalized, but that's what sequels are for.

I fell for emojis the way I fell for hasthags: after their "moment" was done and once there was something vaugely Facebook-mom-uses-internet-terminology about them. After they officially became a Merriam Webster bona fide word. After they had stopped being novel and were simply canon. #deep

There is nothing subtle about the emoji, unless there is. With emojis, I can convey nuance almost no combination of words can. (Think of what a white flag statement that is—I'm a writer.) A carefully chosen emoji might be more poignant than a carefully chosen word. I say this to underline how impressive emojis are and also to underscore how much I question some people's reading comprehension abilities. #diss

Emojis are modern hieroglyhpics. If caveman knew 🙀 was an option, we'd be seeing it in every AP World History textbook. 16 year olds everywhere would think, "Wow, what's the difference between me and a neolithic teenager?"

Nothing. Nothing. 🙀

I go through phases with emojis. I used to be very free with 😘. I actually thought it was really funny to be so 😘-promiscuous. I loved sending it for itty bitty conveniences to people who would not expect it. Or better yet, in situations where I was inconvenienced and the 😘 was a mocking exclamation point.

I find myself using 😙 often now. I like it more than 😘 because its winkless visage implies a certain humility that 😘 doesn't have. 😙 is so humble, so vulnerable. 😙 is reaching out for connection. Will it be reciprocated?

But enough about what I have. Here's what I don't and what I'd like.

1. Oyster with a pearl

   1. We already have an empty oyster shell emoji (and it's beautiful, by the way. Definitely ranks on my long list of favorite emojis.) But think about how great an oyster-with-a-pearl emoji would be in our modern emoji lexicon!

2. Goose

   1. Give me a goose emoji. You might think this is too niche, but it's not. I've texted texts that I wish I could have a goose emoji in these contetxs:

      1. I called someone a silly goose. It would have been SO much more playful and cute with an emoji.

      2. I texted a couplet and felt like I was typing rhymes like Mother Goose.

      3. I was talking about Fly Away Home (1996).

      4. Not me personally, but I'm sure some people text about Goose from Top Gun (1986) or his son from Top Gun Maverick (2022).

3. Princess and the Pea

   1. Just revamp this emoji  🛌 with more mattress pads and toppers, a cute little princess, and an itty bitty pea poking out between the sheets.

   2. I would use this emoji any time I'm telling someone about a restless night's sleep.

4. Customize These Emojis  🎫📟🪪💳📆

   1. I'm sick of the calendar date being the 17th. The only time that's useful is when I discuss my mother's birthday on the 17th.

   2. This would be so cool to customize in a text telling your friends you got the tickets to a concert.

5. Sleeping Eye Mask Emoji

   1. Not to be mistaken for a bra.

   2. Would be so cute in goodnight texts.

6. Mona Lisa Smile

   1. Da Vinci might be a "genius" for painting the Mona Lisa, but I'm the real visionary for bringing Mona into the twenty-first century conversation as an emoji.

7. Bingo Card

   1. I use "BINGO" a lot in text form.

8. Change the Picture 🖼️ 

   1. This shouldn't even be that hard.

9. Horseshoe

   1. I'm tired of using the four-leaf clover emoji for good luck. Give me options.

10. Dragonfly

    1. I like dragonflies. I think girls' instagram bios need more cutesy emojis. Dragonflies would give the 🦢 swan emojis and 🎀 bow emojis a break.

11. Nutcracker

    1. Lots of meanings for this. Some a little cheekier than others. One thing is for sure: Use will go up during the holiday season.

12. Chinoiserie Jar

    1. Give the grandmillenials what they want!

13. Hook 'em horns🤘

    1. I'm not sure why this is on the list. Maybe I meant "longhorn?

14. Guillotine

    1. This is one I don't think I'd ever use, but I think other people would.

15. Slippery when wet sign

    1. The contexts write themselves.